What is Your Motivation?
Have you ever been thinking about your behavior and thought I really want to do this thing but I never do it. Of course, there is always life that gets in the way like opportunity or finances but there also could be nothing holding you back, and you just don’t do it for some reason or the other. As a clinician this is a sign that there could be misalignment between the client’s motivation and their desire. Today we are going to try and understand motivation a little bit better.
When working with clients on motivation, I have noticed people will use the word motivation incorrectly. According to Oxford Languages, motivation is the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way. I think people often get motivation and desire mixed up. At times clients will say, “I want different relationships” or, “I don’t want to engage in this behavior”. When I ask them what makes them want those things, they have no answer, or an answer with little thought behind it. For example, I would work with college kids who would say, “I really want to get my assignments done earlier than the deadlines given”. I would ask if they were struggling to get things done, they reply no. Where they having issues with time management, no. Are they doing well in the class, yes. Then what reason do they have for changing their behavior, they would reply with, “I don’t know, it’s just what I think I am supposed to do”. To me this type of thinking codes as desire without reason.
Holding desires without reason can be detrimental for two reasons. First, it gives us an easy way to fail ourselves. Let's say, I do not want to learn how to play golf. It is reasonable to say I do not have any motivation to learn golf, which leads to me not engaging in that action. However, if I add a desire of, I should be trying to learn golf, then, I still won’t engage in the behavior but I will look at my behavior as a problem and potentially judge myself as a failure, which never feels good. This gets us stuck in a loop of: having a desire with no reason, so we don’t engage in the desired behavior, which leads to us feeling negative about ourselves. Rinse and repeat.
The second problem around desire without a reason, is these desires take up so much space that there is little room for what we desire and HAVE reasons for. As humans we have only a finite amount of mental energy that we can use at a time. If we are putting that energy into desires that we don’t have a reason for, then there is not much left for the things that we actually want to do and think about. Let’s go back to my golf example. I am spending all this time thinking about how I’m failing at learning golf, so I barely have time to think about how I really want to learn how to play pickleball. I know I want to play pickleball, but I will say something like, “I must learn golf before I can pick up something else”. This desire without reason to learn golf interrupts me learning pickleball, which is what I really want.
Motivation can be a far more difficult concept than we give it credit for in our society. When you find yourself engaging in behaviors that you do not like, or wanting to engage in something but it seems there is a block that you struggle to get over, take a step back and ask yourself, “what are the reasons I want to engage in this behavior”. Look for specific responses from yourself. Dig deeper than, just because I am supposed to, or because everyone else is doing it. You might be surprised that you don’t actually want to behave in that particular way. Or the reason you want to engage in the behavior is not what you think. It is highly possible that the support you need is not finding motivation but creating a better understanding of your own desires and how those desires align with your motivation and impact your behavior. If you are wanting someone to work with you on this topic or another presenting concern, reach out to us at Comfycornercounseling.com or give us a call at 864-334-8251.
